¡Benvinguts a Bicing!

Note the sweet but subtle incorporation of the BCN in the logo.

After weeks of waiting, our Bicing cards showed up. I'm totally stoked to use mine tomorrow. So what's Bicing? It's the most fabulous community bicycle program on Earth. You pay 24€/year and have access (through a card) to 1,700 community bicycles owned and maintained by the city of Barcelona. They're accessed through Bicing stations around the city, and for the first 30 minutes of use, they're totally free. People thought that when the program began in early 2007, there would be theft, vandalism, etc., but this hasn't been the case; it's been an unfettered success. In fact, it's so successful that other cities, like Valencia, are considering adding Bicing programs of their own. So why are we only hopping on the Bicing wagon now? Until recently, there were no stations located within a mile of our apartment. Now there are five.

Because our Fair City is situated on a hill and our apartment is situated about two-thirds up said hill, it was speculated that Bicing would never make its way up here, since no one would want to make like Lance Armstrong in the mountains, but about a month ago, a station was built not 100 feet from our building. And, a new station was also built 100 feet from the school where I teach. My Metro bill just got a lot cheaper.

Oh, and if you're curious, bici is the Spanish word for bike (the full word is bicicleta). Adding -ing and other English-isms adds some something like hipster cachet. "Super" is everywhere.

Dell P.O.S. Deathwatch (Day 1)

Susie's computer broke in half today. Miraculously, the display functions (for now), but I fear it is not long for this world. Susie is currently looking into hospice programs. The computer will be survived by its younger, cooler brother, Mac PowerBook G4.

The Paradox of Choice

So what do you do when your two favorite football teams play each other in the first Champions League knockout stage? Tonight at 8:45 CEST (that's Central European Standard Time, for those keeping score), Barça will march onto the pitch at Parkhead to face the Celtic Football Club. Let's face it; I'm torn.

It's like I'll be happy regardless of the result, but I'll be happier if Barcelona wins, by the slightest of margins. Barça and Celtic both had high expectations going into this season, but for different reasons.

Barça had the Fantastic Four, who have played a whopping one game together. People thought they could contend for the treble (a triple-championship of sorts where you win your domestic league, the domestic league cup, and the Champions League) but now sit five big points adrift of league leaders and blood-rivals Real Madrid. They have a realistic shot at the Copa del Rey, especially with Madrid (#1), Espanyol (#5), and Villareal (#3) now booted from the competition. Also, Barça hold the mark for most Copas with 24.

A 25th would be nice, but if you asked Joe Barça fan (or Josep Barça Fan, as it would be here), he might flip Champions League and La Liga as priorities, but the Copa would come in third. Plus a Champions League title would cut into Los Merengues' 9-2 advantage. Madrid once won five Champions Cups* in a row (1956-60); only two other teams have won five (AC Milan and Liverpool). I blame Franco.

Celtic, on the other hand, have high expectations for different reasons, but sit four points off the pace set by (again) league leaders and blood-rivals Rangers. However, due to the vagaries of the Scottish Premier League schedule, which makes about as much sense as the Democrats' Texas delegate allocation rules, those four points are much more manageable than Barça's five point gap. The pressure comes from the fact that Celtic are two time defending champions and the fact that they played like crap for a couple weeks early in the season (see their 3-0 thrashing at the hands of Rangers at Ibrox).

So why should I root for Celtic? This season is the 40th anniversary of the Lisbon Lions, the first British and only Scottish team to win the European Championship.* Besides being the only Scottish champions (take that, Gers), and besides fielding an all Scottish side (a rarity then and downright impossible today), every member of the team was born and raised within eight miles of Celtic Park. Celtic fans are understandably proud. Nothing would would put an exclamation point on their anniversary celebration like another European title.

Good reasons, all. But who to root for...

I'll be rooting for Barça, but if they get knocked out, it won't be the end of the world. I'll just watch Celtic win at the Celtic Cross on Diagonal, instead of the Italian bar.

*European Championship, Champions Cup, and Champions League are basically interchangable terms. The Champions League's structure (group stage followed by knockout rounds) is a fairly recent invention. Before that, it was called the European Champions' Cup and was a home and home knockout tournament contested exclusively by domestic league champions, rather than the champions and first couple runners up as it is today. Championships won under the old framework are considered equal, rather than a separate competition.

October Surprise!

Yes, I made my own logo.

Well, it's almost here. In 25 minutes (3:00 AM, Barcelona time), the draft will be here.

I'll be posting draft updates as things progress, because I have to stay awake somehow...

We play in an 18 team, five keeper league. This means that each team selects five "keepers" from last year's team to form the core of this year's team. My keepers, following a respectable but inches from the money finish, are Alex Rodriguez (3B - NYY), Placido Polanco (2B - DET), Derek Lee (1B - CHC), Torii Hunter (OF - LAA), and Aaron Rowand (OF - SF). Over the next few hours, the rest of the roster will be filled out. We have one player at every position, one "utility player" who can be from any offensive position, two starting pitcher slots, two relievers, and three pitcher slots, which can be filled by any pitcher.

October Surprise 2008

Position Players

C - Yadier Molina
1B - Derek Lee
2B - Placido Polanco
3B - Alex Rodriguez
SS - Felipe Lopez
OF - Aaron Rowand
OF - Torii Hunter
OF - Juan Pierre
Util - Chris Duncan

Starting Pitchers
Brad Penny
Jeff Francis
Derek Lowe
Tom Gorzelanny
Chris Carpenter
Aaron Cook
Hiroki Kuroda
Jon Garland
Carlos Silva

Relief Pitchers
Jonathan Papelbon
Brad Lidge
Joaquin Benoit
Dennys Reyes

Bench
Mike Cameron
Andre Ethier
Alfredo Amezaga
Coco Crisp
Scott Hatteberg
Nyjer Morgan
So Taguchi

DRAFT ORDER
1) Jonathan Papelbon (RP - BOS)
2) Brad Penny (SP - LAD)
3) Jeff Francis (SP - COL)
4) Juan Pierre (OF - LAD)
5) Brad Lidge (RP - PHI)
6) Felipe Lopez (2B/SS - WAS)
7) Derek Lowe (SP - LAD)
8) Chris Duncan (OF/1B - STL)
9) Tom Gorzelanny (SP - PIT)
10) Chris Carpenter (SP - STL)
11) Aaron Cook (SP - COL)
12) Yadier Molina (C - STL)
13) Hiroki Kuroda (SP - LAD)
14) Mike Cameron (OF - MIL)
15) Joaquin Benoit (RP - TEX)
16) Andre Ethier (OF - LAD)
17) Alfredo Amezaga (2B/3B/SS/OF - FLA)
18) Jon Garland (SP - LAA)
19) Coco Crisp (OF - BOS)
20) Scott Hatteberg (1B - CIN)
21) Dennys Reyes (RP - MIN)
22) Nyjer Morgan (OF - PIT)
23) Carlos Silva (SP - SEA)
24) Scott Spezio (1B/3B/OF - STL)
25) So Taguchi (OF - PHI)

EARLY UPDATE - 2:45 AM Rich (our commisioner) has already screwed up the draft and switched two teams. Not as bad as last year when we had to scrap and reschedule the draft, but now you know team names like "Hansen Eats Babies" and "Richwillfupthedraft" are well deserved...

3:15 AM - Keepers are drafted. Now it counts.

3:48 AM - No one can say I didn't try to address pitching needs. Three rounds, three quality pitchers.

3:58 AM - Playing in a league with Chicago partisans has its advantages. Picked up Juan Pierre (first non pitcher), who's rated #56 in Yahoo!, for like the 160th pick (including keepers). Just cause he sucked for a year in Chicago.

4:16 AM - Welcome back, Brad Lidge. And hello Felipe Lopez.

4:32 AM - Lots of Dodger blue so far... and the first Cardinal - Chris Duncan

4:47 AM - Fifteen minutes later, I get to pick again. We're going to end up drafting more than half of the active Major Leaguers (and some prospects, too) before the night is over. It makes the mid-late rounds grind to a halt.

4:56 AM - Drama in Mudville! My browser crashed during my pick, and I had Yadier Molina selected. Fortunately, it automatically selected the guy I wanted, Chris Carpenter. That will either be the move of the season or the worst pick in history. Either way, another Redbird.

5:15 AM - Yadier Molina in the 12th round can only mean one thing. HUGE man crush.

5: 25 AM - Only players left on my pre-ranking list: Brian Bannister, Carlos Silva, Jon Garland, Ryan Church, Andre Ethier, Randy Winn, & Wes Littleton. Did I mention the draft is only half over? Also, I now have 60% of the Dodgers' rotation. That's probably not good.

5:40 AM - Susie just came out for some water, seems impressed with my team. Also, I just gave up on the contacts. Glasses are a go.

5:46 AM - Forget the pitchers. I now have what seems like half of the Dodgers' likely opening day roster. Andre Ethier joins the club, since Pierre might find himself out of a job.

6:00 AM - Yup, we've hit the three hour mark. I teach in eight and a half hours, and I just drafted Alfredo Amezaga. He qualifies everywhere (2B, 3B, SS, OF). You might think a super-bench guy isn't worth anything in fantasy, but when someone has a day off, you can plug him right in. And he was a decent OPS guy last year, too. I had a Brewer last year that filled that function admirably. Not so admirably that I remember his name, though.

6:16 AM - At this point last year, I set my draft list on every remaining Cardinal and called it a night. Not this year. I'm going all the way, baby!

6:31 AM - Nyjer Morgan is a top 20 prospect, according to ESPN. And I got him in the 22nd round.

6:39 AM - I just drafted Carlos Silva. I have no idea why. All I know is he was on my pre-rankings list.

6:57 AM - And it's finished. I bow out with personal favorite So Taguchi for the hell of it. Mr. Irrelevant is Jonathan Meloan, a relief pitcher for the Angels. The highest rated player left on the board? That would be Braves starting pitcher Antony Larew. Total draft time: 3 hours 57 minutes.

Radio Silence

Sorry for last week's radio silence. The week was basically spent caring for a sick Susie, who has just now recovered enough to go back to work.

But, a brief recap of the last week or so.

Last weekend - Calçotada and monastery trip. Definitely a separate entry on that one. And SFA Picnic types, I'm looking for a way to reproduce the calçot experience in the states.

On Valentine's Day, we were going to go out for a nice romantic dinner. But Susie was sick, so it didn't happen.

Most of the week was spent watching Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, which I purchased using an iTunes gift card I got as a Christmas present.

Oh, and the drainage tube from the washing machine came unsealed from the drain pipe, leaving us with a flooded bathroom and hallway. The handyman is coming to fix it.

But tonight is the big fantasy baseball draft. Start time: 3:00 AM here in Barcelona. My students are going to wonder what happened to me tomorrow. Woo! It's also the start of a big week.

Tonight: fantasy baseball draft.
Tomorrow: recover.
Wednesday: Barcelona @ Celtic. Also, Adam's birthday.
Thursday: Knox fancy pants dinner. Also, lunar eclipse.
Friday: Recover. Perhaps belated romantic dinner with the Missus.
Saturday: So help me, I'm going to MNAC.

More soon!

Who's Ready?

Fantasy draft in seven days. Pitchers and catchers report on Thursday.

Current October Surprise roster:

C: TBD
1B: Derek Lee
2B: Placido Polanco
3B: Alex Rodriguez
SS: TBD
OF: Torii Hunter
OF: Aaron Rowand
OF: TBD

Pitchers: TBD

Update to come after the draft.

Hillary Takes The Stage

It's not spelled Missourah, Hill.
Interesting video from MSNBC. I clicked on it because it said that Hillary would talk about her fundraising "loan" that she made before Super Tuesday. But, about a minute into it, during the obligatory "no, we won last night" comments, she talks about Missouri. Couple observations.

First, she calls it Missour-ah. It's Missour-ee, for Pete's sake. Get it right.
She talks about how she took 110 of 115 counties in Missouri-ah and says this is a victory because these rural, low population counties are traditionally Republican counties. (This explains the Missour-ah comments, since that's what the outstaters call Missouri.) But her campaign is trying to belittle Obama's victories in Idaho, Utah, Kansas, Alaska, etc. by saying that they were victories in rural, Republican areas.* You can't have it both ways. Either you lost the Democratic strongholds in Missouri, bellwether of the nation, or you can't belittle Obama's victories. Your pick, and it looks like it's door #2.

Oh, and MSNBC's video player is sweet.

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*From Clinton's campaign memo today:

Sen. Obama, in contrast, won with large margins in Alabama and Georgia, two states that have been in the Republican column in the last two elections. He also won with large margins in a string of caucus states with comparatively fewer voters – Alaska, Idaho, Utah, and Kansas – and have also been in the Republican column. Of course, he won his home state.

MObama!

I should be a pundit.

Last night I was listening to the returns on NPR and following an ABC News live blog, when I noticed something about Hillary's (at the time) 24% lead in my home state. St. Louis and Kansas City hadn't come in yet. The whole lead was outstate Missouri.

I'm normally not Mr. Blog Comment Man, but I did some writing last night on ABC's Political Wire, getting into a conversation with a gentleman named Paul...

---------------------

Interesting results in Missouri. Clinton's lead includes 0% of St. Louis City and St. Louis County. Look for Obama to come storming back in the Show-Me State. The question is, will it be enough?

MObama? We'll see...
Posted by: Jake | Feb 5, 2008 9:47:36 PM

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Paul in MD (and Rick),

Look at Missouri more closely. All of the Democrats in the state are concentrated in KC and St. Louis, and they're not reporting too much.

Jackson County (KC) - 12% reporting, but going for Obama
St. Louis City - 0% reporting, expected to go at least 2:1 for Obama
St. Louis County - 3% reporting, breaking 60/40-ish for Obama.

St. Louis City essentially has NO REPUBLICANS. Don't judge results by the central counties. Don't prognosticate- SHOW ME!
Posted by: Jake | Feb 5, 2008 10:16:52 PM

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Paul,

Don't know about proportional by congressional district in Missouri. But if so, the margins are close enough outstate that they'll be split evenly. Obama is KILLING IT in St. Louis City & County.

St. Louis City is now over 70/30 for Obama (30% reporting), 55/40 in St. Louis County (15%). KC continues to break Obama. Starting to count STL cut Clinton's lead from 21% to 14% very quickly.

SHOW ME some more results!
Posted by: Jake | Feb 5, 2008 10:35:44 PM

---------------------

Paul, the big thing to watch is St. Louis City. 71/25 with 31% reporting. Yes, there are only 33% of the precincts left, but they're in Obama strongholds. If Hillary wins (and she might), it will be narrow. Less than 9% for sure, I think within 3% regardless of the winner.

KC and St. Louis County continue to be strong Obama, but St. Louis City could win it.
Posted by: Jake | Feb 5, 2008 10:55:53 PM

---------------------

NPR - Colorado for Obama.

Missouri down to Clinton +4

Now we have CObama. Will we see MObama?
Posted by: Jake | Feb 5, 2008 11:13:36 PM

---------------------

Missouri - Almost all of the outstate vote is in.

Hillary leaning counties still outstanding (Franklin, Jefferson, & Benton).
Almost certainly Clinton, but no reports (Johnson & Douglas)
Obama oustanding (St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Jackson County, Boone County)

NPR just called Missouri for Clinton, but I think it's going to be tight. Outstanding counties clearly favor Obama, just maybe too little too late.
Posted by: Jake | Feb 5, 2008 11:29:50 PM

---------------------

What did I tell you, Paul? Let's hear it for the STL.
Posted by: Jake | Feb 5, 2008 11:49:43 PM

---------------------

Obama down one half of one percent in Missouri with 96% reporting!
Posted by: Jake | Feb 6, 2008 12:08:57 AM

---------------------

OBAMA UP IN MISSOURI!
Posted by: Jake | Feb 6, 2008 12:14:34 AM

Picking Through the Wreckage

The aftermath of Super Tuesday.

Super-Duper-Mega-Ultra-Tsunami-Loopy-Cloverfield-Giga-Katrina-Tuesday-of-Destiny has now come and gone. Now that I've had some time to sleep and reflect on last night's results, here's what I think.

This thing is going to the convention. And not in that "someone will clinch it with a week to spare" sort of way. More like that smoke filled room, brokered convention sort of way.

Last night was insane. Why don't we have a national primary? Could you imagine doing this with seven candidates per side? No one knows how many delegates Obama and Clinton won yet. We don't even know who won New Mexico.

Of course both candidates are claiming a win, but I think Obama has a stronger hold to that claim. The Clinton camp says that a) they "upset" Obama in Massachusetts and b) won decisively in California. The Obama camp says a) more states, b) more delegates, and c) more money. Let's look at the claims.

An upset in Massachusetts? I don't really think that one has legs. Clinton had a 20+% lead two weeks ago. This seems more like a ploy to try and divert attention from the fact that she couldn't hold on to Connecticut, which is in her back yard. The California win has more legs, but because of delegate allocation rules, isn't the blowout that 10 points suggests it would be.

Obama says more states and more delegates, which are both true and impressive, but I think the big thing is this. He has more money. Hillary has already loaned her campaign $5 million just to play in Super Tuesday, and she's considering loaning more. Her donors are maxed out. Why is this a big deal? Obama wins people as he they get to know him, and he has money to get some media out there. The calendar for the rest of the month is already favorable for him, and Clinton can't seriously compete without reaching for the piggy bank Mitt Romney style.

But before anyone gets too excited, consider that more than half of the delegates have been awarded at this point. For someone to win a majority with the allocation rules the way they are would require a constant super-majority from here on out. The only candidate would could possibly do that is Obama, but that seems highly unlikely. The Clinton strategy was to put this one away last night, and it didn't happen. Obama's wins have been huge at times, but that kind of momentum is hard to sustain across the board without a single slip up.

So, it looks like Democrats will go to Denver without a nominee. Brokered convention, here we come.

The Annotated James Dobson

Today, Dr. James Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, a right-wing evangelical soapbox, came down hard on John McCain. (Or, as our good friend Lou "so-called Latino vote" Dobbs calls him, Juan McCain. Oh! He's so clever! Asshat. /tangent) Anyway, Dr. Dobson thinks that Senator McCain has a host of problems and that he'll destroy the Republican party or something. So, in the interest of fairness, I give you the annotated statement (my comments in parentheses).

Oh and sorry if this gets a little colorful. These people really grind my gears.


FROM DR. JAMES DOBSON AS RELEASED ON THE LAURA INGRAHAM SHOW

I'm deeply disappointed the Republican Party seems poised to select a nominee who did not support a Constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage, (Protect from what? It's a civil rights issue, and I don't care if you think God told you it's bad. Separation of Church and State, so piss off!) who voted for embryonic stem cell research to kill nascent human beings, (God forbid we help the people that are actually... I don't know... people.) who opposed tax cuts that ended the marriage penalty, (Huh? There's a penalty? Is that why all the gay people want to get married? Is that why everyone files "married but filing singly"?) and who has little regard for freedom of speech, (By telling you to keep your religion out of the town square? See annotation #1) who organized the Gang of 14 to preserve filibusters, (Filibusters are an important Senatorial procedure for the minority party, regardless of who is in the minority) and has a legendary temper and often uses foul and obscene language. (He was in the Navy. Not excusing, just explaining.)

I am convinced Sen. McCain is not a conservative, (Cool.) and in fact, has gone out of his way to stick his thumb in the eyes of those who are. (Cooler.) He has at times sounded more like a member of the other party. McCain actually considered leaving the GOP in 2001, and approached John Kerry about being Kerry's running mate in 2004. (Because we all know that Bipartisanship SUCKS! Wait...) McCain also said publicly that Hillary Clinton would make a good president. (Gasp!) Given these and many other concerns, a spoonful of sugar does not make the medicine go down. (In the most delightful way.) I cannot, and I will not vote for Sen. John McCain, as a matter of conscience. (And America thanks you.)

But what a sad and melancholy decision this is for me and many other conservatives. Should John McCain capture the nomination as many assume, I believe this general election will offer the worst choices for president in my lifetime. (Even though you voted Nixon twice) I certainly can't vote for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama based on their virulently anti-family policy positions. (Read: one is a woman and the other is black.) If these are the nominees in November, I simply will not cast a ballot for president for the first time in my life. (I knew you voted for Nixon!) These decisions are my personal views and do not represent the organization with which I'm affiliated. (I'm just sayin', you know? Wink.) They do reflect, however, my deeply held convictions about the institution of the family, (antiquated) about moral and spiritual beliefs, (bankrupt) and about the welfare of our country. (In the shitter since you people became a major voting bloc.)

Ten Reasons

Like I said, I have no idea what's going to happen in Super Tuesday. I'm cautiously optimistic for Obama, but who the hell knows?

So, here's ten reasons why Obama will emerge victorious in twenty four hours, followed by ten more why Hillary will come out ahead.

Obama

1. Momentum has clearly swung in Obama's favor. Tracking polls show narrowing/closed gaps across the board.
2. People like Obama as they are exposed to him. Hillary, on the other hand, seems to have a ceiling of support.
3. Obama's victory criteria are lower than Clinton's. The remainder of February is very favorable for the Obama camp.
4. CNN gave Obama his first national lead today.
5. Obama leads Missouri, a microcosm of America if ever there was one.
6. David Plouffe's press release seems to imply Obama is feeling optimistic.
7. People who are undecided on election day traditionally break 2:1 against the incumbent, which is clearly Hillary in this case.
8. Obama is trying to win smaller states (e.g. Idaho) by large margins to rack up delegates. The strategy seems to be working.
9. Proportional voting is a funny thing. This is a delegate race, not a beauty contest. You need big margins to win extra delegates. The margins no longer seem to exist.
10. That $32 million didn't come from nowhere.

Clinton

1. Obama has narrowed the gap, but not closed it, according to many polls.
2. New Hampshire polling was a disaster. Everything else should be taken with a grain of salt.
3. Hillary cried again.
4. The Clinton Machine got Bill elected twice. It's had practice.
5. Though best case polling has Obama pulling off a miracle upset, worst case polling has him getting buried.
6. Obama depends heavily on the youth vote, a notoriously finicky group that has shown up so far, but tomorrow's another day.
7. Obama depends on independents, who cannot vote in several primaries tomorrow.
8. If Obama misses Plouffe's point spread, it's a loss by his own definition. Can't spin that one.
9. This is a race that depends on the storyline the press wants to pursue. What if Clinton is slightly ahead? Clinton Wins? Obama Disappoints? Obama Beats Expectations?
10. Presidential candidates I've voted for are a collective 0-3 (Gore, Dean, & Kerry).

I'm just nervous, that's all. Maybe I'll live blog the results tomorrow.

Fired Up!

It's officially Super-Duper-Tsunami-Mega-Giga-Loony-Cloverfield-Tuesday-of-Destiny. All I can do is sit back and watch - my vote's in the mail.

I have no idea what's going to happen.

None.

And I don't think I'm alone.

Clinton by 100

Obama's campaign manager, David Plouffe, sent out a memo today regarding expectations for tomorrow's madness. Interestingly, instead of saying "we expect to do well" or "we will be in a strong position even if Senator Clinton collects more delegates," Plouffe set the point spread.

Clinton (-100)

Think of what that means for a second. Obama, by all accounts, has been surging in national polls. CNN has him up 3 nationally. He has closed the gap in California & Missouri, and he has shortened the gap in New Jersey, Connecticut, etc. If Plouffe, speaking for the campaign, sets the line at 100 and Obama loses by 101, it's a loss by his team's definition. Obama & Co. must feel very confident in their poll numbers.

There are 1,688 pledged delegates available on Super Tuesday. a 100 delegate spread means Barack needs at least (1,688/2)-50, or 794. This amounts to 47% of the delegates available. Now, the Obama camp didn't do such a hot job setting expectations in New Hampshire, but that seems to be something of an outlier. No campaign manager in his/her right mind would set expectations that explicitly without some wiggle room, which tells me one thing: Obama expects to make some serious noise tomorrow.

I'm taking Obama and the points.

Vid

In case you haven't seen this, cool video from Black Eyed Peas' will.i.am.


Yes, we can.

Music: will.i.am
Lyrics: Barack Obama
Feat: Tatyana Ali, Eric Balfour, Nick Cannon, Common, Jesse Dylan, Herbie Hancock, Kelly Hu, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Scarlett Johansson, John Legend, Adam Rodriquez, Nicole Scherzinger, Aisha Tyler, Amber Valetta, and Kate Walsh

Sweet

On February 20/21 there will be a total eclipse of the heart moon.

See? We can watch it together.

Endorsements

And then there were two. Quite the debate last night at the Kodak Theatre, and quite the star-studded event, too. I guess the writers strike left the celebs with a little time on their hands. I think Obama acquitted himself quite well and had plenty of policy to back up his soaring rhetoric.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. Since that the field is down to two, each candidate is rolling in new endorsements. Now that we seem to have exhausted our supply of Kennedys, each campaign racked up an endorsement that can only be described as... WTF?

[Cut to a sold out Madison Square Garden. A ring sits in the center of the arena. Standing in the ring, a tuxedoed Howard Finkel grabs the mike.]


FINKEL: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for 22 falls, unless they do not produce a clear winner. In that event, we will have a rematch at PRIMARY OF DEATH next month in Ohio and Texas!

Fighting out of the Blue Corner, representing Barack Obama, he is a Real American Hero who wants you to take your vitamins, say your prayers, and believe in yourself. He is...



The Immortal HULK HOGAN!!

And fighting out of the Red Corner, representing Hillary Clinton,* she is the Duchess of Darkness, the Spawn of Satan, the Invader of Countries, Killer of Leaders, and Converter to Christianity...



ANN COULTER!!

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Now be honest. Who saw those coming?

* About 45 seconds into the video, we get gems like, "Yes, I'll vote for her," "I'll campaign for her if it's McCain," and "I was touched when she cried." Whoa! Even more reason to hope for Obama v. McCain. The Republicans know they'll get owned.